Please welcome Amanda to the blog. Amanda’s willingness to openly discuss depression, addiction and recovery is inspiring and we thank her for allowing us to share her story on our blog. If you or anyone you know is battling depression or contemplating suicide, there is help: National Suicide Prevention Lifeline .
Ah, finally made it. There was a time when I thought 30 was old. It’s not, just another decade down. I honestly didn’t think I would make it here because of everything I had put myself through at a young age. Looking back I had unresolved trauma, pain, depression, anxiety, self-esteem issues…etc etc etc. The list could go on.
At 18, I was in rehab and it couldn’t have been a shittier situation, most of my issues, I couldn’t talk about. Refused to talk about. Fast forward to 20. My life sucked living from fix to fix trying to find something to numb the pain I had caused. The guilt. Anger. Sadness. Life sucked but I got out. Thanks to a few people.
At 21, when I did get out, I was still miserable. Even sober just more miserable than before. All those emotions come back and you honestly contemplate suicide because you don’t want to deal with the pain of remembering everything. The numbing of drugs had kept it buried so deep for so long. I can say I honestly don’t know what I would’ve done had I not moved to where I am now. After moving to where I am now, depression kicked in.
Loneliness. Anxiety. Helplessness.
I was in a BRAND new situation I wasn’t ready for. I was pregnant before I even was sure I wanted to have kids.
But I made it! How? I kicked everyone to the curb and hid out and worked on MY issues!I found out all the things that led to a lifetime amount of depression/suicidal at 13/anxiety/self-esteem were just not enough to stop me anymore. As I slowly started to peel away at the layers upon layer upon layers of pain… you find something…….THE ORIGINAL Amanda in there hiding out, waiting for her chance to shine.
Here she is.
Still with anxiety, self-esteem issues, and manic episodes, depression, trauma, pain…BUT…..Now I know what my triggers are and how to help myself. I have tried medication two different times and neither time worked. It took me a while to figure out that it was okay for medication to not work with me. I had to find a different way. With meditation and therapy and forgiveness. Forgiveness within myself for everything I had been through, put myself through. All of it. I am not fully healed but every day I learn something new about myself for the better.
Pain is only temporary. Getting the courage to work through all the issues is WHY I am better today than I ever thought possible! Thank you to everyone who hasn’t given up on me! I am making it slowly. I have a GED, some college credits, and mom to 2 wonderful boys
At 30, I am making it and thriving!
I am finally becoming me.
The person who I was meant to be.
**Love Will Voices is a blog series featuring those who are or who have struggled with mental health. It is meant to bring awareness, understanding and support. If you would like to share your story with us, please click here.